So I’m a bit overdue, but I’ve been reflecting a lot this past week about love, it being the reason for the season and all …
I’ve been thinking about these four pillars of love that are important to me in relationships. I need at least three out of these four pillars to be in place in order for me to have a healthy, lasting relationship. Four out of four is the ultimate, but three out of four is pretty great:
I mean if you can’t have a good conversation with your partner, what good is that? This can be intellectually stimulating conversation in terms of business, politics, everyday life, or shared concerns … but you need to be able to talk. Endlessly. About everything and anything. Life without good conversation is boring. Trust me. I dated a guy who was handsome, wealthy, and seemingly perfect but our conversation lacked and that was enough for me to be hesitant about the whole situation. What good is luxury in love if you’re ultimately bored?
This is an obvious one, but personally I have found that I don’t need to be physically attracted to someone immediately. I’ve dated people and gotten to know them and the chemistry followed. That kind of immediate physical attraction that you feel toward someone is often overvalued and can be very short lived. Physical attraction is very important in relationships, don’t get me wrong, but personally it’s the kind of thing that can be worked up to if everything else is aligned.
This is one idea that I’m still trying to put my finger on. But, basically I need there to be an emotional investment in the other person for me to truly be committed. If I’m sort of on the fence about a person, it’s really easy for me to withdraw and be disconnected. When I’m emotionally invested, I’m head first, all-hands-on-deck, all eggs in one basket, and well … invested. You get the picture. I’m either in or I’m out. This is an elusive element that I can’t quite figure out, and it’s the hardest connection for me to have with another human being. I’m usually a pretty detached person, but there’s been a few people that I’ve been able to connect with on this level, so I know when it’s there, and when it’s just simply not.
This is another one of those connections that’s hard to explain. I either feel it or I don’t, and I generally know within ten minutes of meeting someone whether we connect in this way or not. In my lifetime, I’ve only spiritually connected with three people. Ever. This is one of those “Our souls were meant to connect” kind of thing that you usually hear about from hippie girls who believe in auras and such. Well, I believe. I think that this is the most important pillar for me. There’s something about connecting with someone on a spiritual level. I heard this one woman say that she fell in love with her husband’s soul before they ever even kissed. I think that is the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard and something I’ve felt only once. Maybe that’s all you get.
These are my thoughts over the past week while reflecting on love and relationships and analyzing what’s worked and what hasn’t and what may have been missing in those that didn’t quite make it long term. What are the things in relationships that you’ve realized that you’ve just had to have on the menu?