Circle of Life

 Photo by Ray Auger (aka @ojibray)

  Joseph Boyden at Circle of Light by iBo 

Last month Joseph Boyden spoke at the 'Circle of Light' conference here in Toronto. Instead of promoting one of his books or speaking about his writing life, he chose to talk about suicide amongst Aboriginal youth.

"After much soul-searching these last years I've decided I need to speak out in ways beyond my novels and short stories. I've decided in these last couple of years not to become a hermit but to instead become an advocate for myself and for people spread out across this country who are important to me. I don't want to squander the opportunity to speak just because it would be easier not to ... I know from experience that is too easy to just simply fade into the background even when your gut is telling you that you should be raising your voice. So allow me to raise my voice today to speak about something, that for better or for worse, is a part of me."

Boyden told three stories. His first story was about his own suicide attempt when he was a teenager. His second was 'Driving Lessons' his 2006 piece for Walrus on life and death. The third story was a personal story about suicide in Moosonee. "Over a six month period not that long ago there were over a hundred suicide attempts amongst teens in Moosonee," Boyden says.

What really struck me about his keynote address was the connection that Boyden brought out between residential school residue and the current youth suicide epidemic.

"An Anishinaabe medicine man that I know when he speaks of the creation of residential schools says that a door was opened that should have never been unlocked ... One of the many evils that escaped out that door, the medicine man believes, is the tremendously high Aboriginal youth suicide rate in our country. He believes, as do many, that the suicide epidemic is a direct effect of residential schools where generation after generation of families were torn apart by the system. What's certainly fact is that suicide among Aboriginal persons before residential schools is almost unheard of."

I remember that moment when I realized that I was personally affected by residential schools. It was in 2007 when the news about the residential school payouts began. I felt so distant from the news, so removed, as if it had nothing to do with me. Then I remembered that my father went to residential school. My father committed suicide when I was just four years old. I then wondered what my life would have been like had my father never gone to residential school. He would still be alive, and I would've been raised in tradition, culture, and language instead of in the suburbs. Most importantly I would have had a father in my life. I would be an entirely different human being.

That's when I realized how much that residential school residue has affected my life. It affects every single second that I exist. It's not this vague concept of something that happened so long ago and something that should just be forgotten or buried, it is something that sits with me every single day. It is the loss of a father, the grieving that is left unfinished and always sits just barely below the surface. It is the constant longing for a part of me that I never quite got the chance to know and the continuous quest to know more, and learn more.

For the longest time I used to not tell anyone about my father's suicide. It did not make polite dinner conversation. I always dreaded that awkward moment when sitting at a table of a friend or a boyfriend where the parents inevitably ask me about my parents. I always tried to be evasive, to talk of my mother and my stepfather. Sometimes people get curious and ask directly about my father, I say he passed when I was really young. Sometimes people get really curious and ask how he died. That awkward moment. I think if I tell them that they will immediately judge me and my character based on my father's actions that I will be deemed unworthy of their child's friendship or love. And so I buried the past and tried to forget it and not tell a soul.

Once I realized the truth about the impact of residential school on my father and thus upon myself, I began being able to tell my truth, my father's truth. This keynote address that Joseph Boyden gave reminded me of that truth and how important it is for all of us to tell our truths so that we can continue that healing process and collectively heal together as a nation.

I will quote Boyden once again here: "I know from experience that is too easy to just simply fade into the background even when your gut is telling you that you should be raising your voice. So allow me to raise my voice today to speak about something, that for better or for worse, is a part of me." 

*Studies have estimated that the suicide rate among Canadian First Nations is five to six times higher than among non-Aboriginal Canadians.