Don't be a scary sally.
Photo from Anne Keckler.
I go to pickup my weights and there is a girl right next to them on the bench who was giving me hard core, evil cut eye. Here's where I made my mistake:
Me: "Excuse me but have I done something?"
Scary girl: "Pardon me?"
Me: "Well I noticed you giving me a really weird look, so I am wondering why? Have I done something?"
Scary girl: "Why would you have done something?"
Me: "Well I have no idea but I noticed you giving me a really mean look, so I was wondering."
Scary girl: "You should put things back when you have taken them." (as she points at empty space where sanitizer bottle used to be) "Why are you even talking to me? (gets ridiculously angry and scary with her face red and slightly shaking) "You shouldn't stare at people." (umm she was giving me the cut eye stare)
Me: "Whoa"
So yes I should have never talked to this girl. Clearly. But the gym I go to is smaller than my living room so it's really awkward maneuvering around someone who is giving you hardcore cut eye for an hour. I thought maybe she was just really focused and didn't really realize she was giving off weird looks (I have been guilty of that before). I also should have brought the empty sanitizer to the staff on duty had it refilled and then sanitized the entire gym especially for her.
I digress. The scary girl then gets up off the bench and starts working out right beside my water bottle and towel at the space I was setting up to do my squats in (at least four feet away from where she was working out on the bench previously).
Me: "Excuse me but I was just about to work out here" (repeat x3)
Scary girl: (gives hardcore evil looks and point to her earbuds) "I can't hear you."
Me: "Wow you are a real b*tch." (It had to be said).
So I picked up my water bottle and moved over to the other side of the benches to do my squats. Thankfully the girl left right after. I however was a total mess. I could barely get through my work out. I am a very peaceful little lamb and do not like confrontations of any sort. I can sometimes cry after dealing with my cable customer care line. Seriously. So I was ready to break down while working out because this scary girl decided to be a gym bully. I made it through some deadlifts but had to leave after that. I did however cry when I told the story to my boyfriend on the phone after I left the gym.
Now I now everyone doesn't go to the gym to make friends. I don't either. But I do however think that people can at least be pleasant to each other when sharing such close quarters. No I don't need to add them on Facebook but you know a little friendliness never hurt anyone.
This is the second incident of extreme rudeness that I have encountered at the gym that I have joined. I've only been there two months. At my last gym I worked out for over a year without one incident. Ever. I feel like I am working out in Parkdale and not High Park by the level of etiquette that is present at my current sweatbox. So I consider my options and wonder what to do about this. I ask for your help:
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Wow!!!
ReplyDeleteSorry you had to deal with that...eek!
Working out should be fun and it shouldn't be a battle with other folks in the gym. I would tell the owner and if there is no resolve then go back to your other gym!
Inawendiwin!
Anishinaabekwe - That's what my boyfriend suggested to me - to talk to the owners. I kind of feel like a weird tattletale or something though. But switching gyms w/o letting them know would be unfair as well.
ReplyDeleteWord, completely discourteous on her part. Maybe you did forget to have sanitizer refilled, etc... but that's by no means reason for her aggression. She could've easily mentioned in a polite manner what you forgot to do, but no she went the route of passive-aggression. She could've also just gotten the bottle refilled, on her own without saying anything. These are the types who will physically lash out at you, should you back them in a corner with even the most harmless confrontation.
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't allow these events effect you as badly.
When I was much younger, I was the same as you until I got tired of feeling blamed for everything wrong... that's when I did what my moms and my elders had been telling me to do... STAND UP FOR NDN YOURSELF! Readily accept responsibility for your wrongs, but do not allow someone to make you the scapegoat or blame of anything. Sure, I now piss 85% of the world off for not being the stereotypical NDN they want to expect, that rolls over and lets everyone get over, but I feel so much better in life. I know when I do wrong, I know when I make mistakes, I know when I slip up... I take responsibility for all of that and make up for it, but I refuse to let anyone drag me down as their scapegoat for what's wrong in their own lives.
If you do go back to that gym and see, apologize for the sterilizer bottle, but make sure you let know you don't apologize for anything else because she was incredibly impolite and even borderline hostile. Then go about your business and ignore her existence. That's not confrontation, it's basic communication.
I'm glad your bf was there for you, you shouldn't have been made to feel as badly as you were. You do need to develop a thicker skin, though. "Meekness", though spiritually prized, is not a realistic state of being in Western Society. You can't allow people to run over you like that. I know you have the inner strength to stand up for yourself, too. If you didn't, you wouldn't have gotten as far in your education as you have. Apegesh Ki'je Manitou jawenimig.
Jeez...girls can be bitches sometimes...this is based on the fact that she's jealous of you...all I can tell you is to be strong and keep your head up! Ignore her and if she becomes a problem, report to the owners or personal trainers...
ReplyDeleteDJ TR-ONE - I don't really think it's my job to have those bottles refilled, it was kind of a joke but I suppose I should have put it back to where it stood before (but even then there's no real rules about where those bottles have to be). I do need to learn to be more assertive but I find it so difficult when faced with angry people. I was raised in such a peaceful way w/ my mother never yelling at me so I can't handle it now.
ReplyDeleteCassie - it was really weird because she was actually a really pretty, super thin and muscular girl. She had nothing to be jealous of ... so it's all a very odd scenario.
If there's not posted rules about that bottle, then you don't even have to worry about that in the slightest. For real, you didn't do anything wrong, be strong in that fact and act accordingly. You're a good person, you don't deserve that treatment.
ReplyDeleteYuck! I totally don't like the potentially steroided-out, control freaks that sometimes frequent the gym. I joined a more up-scale, all women's gym in the past to avoid such sweaty freaks of nature who don't seem to know whether they are happy with their womanhood or not, only to trade it for slightly snobby. However, THAT I can deal with because the last time I checked, my money was the same colour as theirs so, deal with ME.
ReplyDeleteAs for the unpleasant she-hulk that felt the need to over react to the moving of a sanitizer bottle: if she is that hostile over something sooo mundane then she is a potential disaster waiting to happen. I take it that she expected you not to confront her about her hostility which possibly served to inflame her already beefed up ego. As you are a paying member of that little sweat box there, you are entitled to a hassle free and safe work out environment. Therefore, I suggest talking to an owner or manager about the incident. If you took the time to present the issue/incident to the public then it tells me that the incident made you quite uncomfortable and should be addressed.
We all have our comfort zones and believe me you should not feel ashamed, embarrassed or guilty over putting She-Ra in her place. She DEF tried to intimidate you!!
I'm just saying... ;-)
~Sol
Sol - Thank you for your comment. You totally had me laughing with all of your hilarious references: She-ra, she-hulk - so funny! Yes upscale is better, snobbiness is annoying but not scary, which is of course way better! I should talk to the owner, uggh I just wish it didn't happen and I could go along happily ...
ReplyDeleteLC
Some women just think they are morally superior. You should not be walked on, it is your gym too. I say go about your business and cut eye back if she strikes again. *itches should knows they are *itches. If she becomes aggressive or confrontational report her, no membership fee entitles one to abuse a peer.
ReplyDeleteLeah - Thanks for weighing in on the situation. I guess I will have to "woman up" and try to be that cunning b*tch right back at her. So much wasted energy though :(. Maybe I won't run into her again ... I think if I do see her again I would mos def have to talk to the management.
ReplyDeleteMaking judgments on locations shouldn't be the issue, Parkdale vs. High Park well, Hmmm? That is some pretty lame geographical etiquette, ever think of that? Scary Girls are every where no matter what their "status" is. Maybe they have gyms for lambs, or maybe get some backbone.
ReplyDeleteI would mention it to the managers/owners not so much in terms of calling out the bully (we can't all be raised well after all!) but to ask what the gym policy is on upkeep or perhaps to suggest having two spray bottles in each designated location during busy hours. You're not the staff, or her maid, and it's not your responsibility to keep the place clean outside of the equipment you use or keep track of what's full and where. Besides, I doubt your the first, nor will be the last, person to do that.
ReplyDeleteIn the end she had issues that had nothing to do with you and she took that opportunity to, inappropriately, take it out on you. I would only complain about her personally if she goes out of her way to be a nuisance to you when you're both at the gym: jumping on equipment your clearly walking towards, putting you in harm's way with improperly stored equipment, etc.
Keep your head up and keep doing your thing when you're there..after all you pay your membership dues same as she does.
Anon- Having studied census statistics (and spent time in both neighbourhoods) I would say that there are differences between them. As there is in any city ... it is usually quite obvious to state and perhaps a bit veneer, but an easy way to state things. Calling me a lamb is also veneer. Yes I should get backbone and start intimidating and yelling and being bitchy to other girls. Yeah right. No I choose to live a peaceful and happy life. That is my way.
ReplyDeleteLN - I spoke to the owner today on other casual matters but chose to only address the situation if she is in the gym again and does something out of the ordinary. Otherwise I will just stay clear of her. My workout today there w/o her there was pretty stellar.
FYI - you called yourself a lamb.I wasn't excusing the Scary Girls behavior, or the situation. And backbone doesn't require you to yell, intimidate, or act bitchy. You might know that if you had it. The thing that bothers me most is your outlook on the world. Where in the census does it say etiquette in relation to neighborhoods? That was your judgment. Secondly the only thing veneer about this whole thing is you. You are a terrible writer, and ambassador for First Nation People in Canada. Urban Native Girl, yes you might be but one with pretension and nothing close to Indigenous. It is all veneer.
ReplyDeleteAnon - perhaps you might want to not become anonymous if you are so full of insight and wisdom? If you don't like my outlook on the world than stop reading it. I don't pretend to be an ambassador for First Nation People in Canada, I am but one girl, one voice and one who grew up apart from my culture. I never pretend that is not the case. If you read often enough, you would know this. But my suggestion is for you to stop reading my blog then and start reading something you deem "Indigenous enough."
ReplyDeletethat's telling'em UNG!! Anon is the one who needs a backbone . . .
ReplyDeleteYour anonymous commenter is a real hypocrite, Lisa! As far as I'm concerned, throwing tomatoes from a blind spot is FAR worse than "not having backbone", which this person OBVIOUSLY has plenty of (as evidenced by their courage in speaking out against you, with their face showing clearly, without fear of reprisal, yeah?). He or she wants to talk about backbone? Then why is he or she insulting you from behind the veil of anonymity? Because they have no backbone, that's why.
ReplyDeleteLisa, good for you for telling that SG off! This would've probably had the same "sour taste" experience for me, and would've turned me off that gym. But keep going, and show her that you are above it. Love your blog!
ReplyDeleteFirst sign of a troll is an anonymous comment. These trolls have been around since before the web (back in the old school days of teletype BBS social networks... yes, they existed before the 90s).
ReplyDeleteAside from the trollish attacks, there is also that hideous double standard (most typically held by white people ignorant of privilege) of holding one member of a group accountable for everyone of that group... in this case the troll is holding you accountable for all indigenous people. Clearly, a hater on more levels than one.
Lisa it looks to me like you just did a perfectly good job of standing up for yourself with "Anon". Maybe Anon should get some thanks for giving you the opportunity to flex your backbone ;-) They might also want to get a clue when it comes to judging people. How "indigenous" someone is can hardly be judged by their words or deeds but rather by their history and ancestors.
ReplyDeleteI've got enough American Indian and African American running through my veins that if I had the paperwork I could have both a treaty card as well as slave reparations ... I've also got red hair and green eyes and get looked at with suspicion and the occasional "cut eye" when I've been invited to attend a potlatch or pow wow.
High park weirds me out. Folks think it's quaint, it 'aint. S'all I'm sayin'.
ReplyDeleteThe joint sounds too small. Why should you have to look over your shoulder everytime you go there?
What bidness is it of anyone's what you do with what bottle and when? 'Scuse me? Mind your own, as they say. The bitch [your words to her - perfect] got in your face and deserved a dressing down. You aren't the cleaning lady, nor the stock girl - gotta beef lady, take it to the management and get outta my face. What is with the condescending lecture you got, may I ask?
Basically.
There are plenty nuisances throughout the day and that's why they need to be stomped out, one by one. :)
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteWow, seems like Anon was just trying to see if they could be meaner than gym girl. Or she WAS gym girl--which explains why she was mean in the first place.
I cry really easily over things. Sometimes dumb things that haunt me and make me feel icky for a long time. I try to remember that mean people are the centre of their own universe and often don't have any idea how their behaviour affects others. Which makes them self-centered and ignorant. So I can feel sorry for them, 'cause they're clearly a less developed human being who will end up miserable. :)
Thank you all for your words of support. I really appreciate it. This has really turned out to be such a strange experience from the gym bully to the online anonymous bully. Wow they are coming out of the closet in my life. I guess my lesson here is to learn to not let those that seek to show hostility to strangers affect me or my feelings ... or something like that. I am sure Epictetus would agree!
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