Tkaronto

Last night I went to the premiere screening in Toronto of Tkaronto, a film written and directed by Shane Belcourt. It was the closing night film of ImagineNATIVE Film Festival last year, and has had screenings in Ottawa, and will show in London, ON.

I came across the film in the past three months, I watched the rough cut at home and was pleasantly surprised. This film was in my top films from the moment I was engrossed in it. I love it because of the content, the story line, and mostly for Jolene.

Jolene (Melanie McLaren) is a beautiful, urban, artistic native women in her early 30s who is struggling with identity issues. Doesn't get much closer to home than that for me. But what was particularly poignant was one scene where she asks the elder (Lorne Cardinal) how to pray. She received an eagle feather, and some sweetgrass from him a few days prior, but she is confused. She doesn't know what to do with it.

These scene brings me to tears every single time I watch it, not only for McLaren's stellar performance, but because I identify so strongly with this struggle. It was only two years ago when I received my first eagle feather and braid of sweetgrass. I didn't realize the importance of it at the time, but was happy to receive such a gift. I didn't use the sweetgrass for almost a year. When I finally did, I didn't know what to do. Of course I had seen the scene in a few Indian flicks, but never really knew what exactly to do. Finally I had to have that exact Jolene/Max Cardinal scene and ask the person who had so generously given me the eagle feather and sweetgrass how I was supposed to use it. I was embarrassed, ashamed and feeling guilty for once again I wasn't "Indian enough."

When I watched the scene last night, I was thinking about how much more natural it has been embedded into me to pray to a Christian god. I grew up in church every Sunday, and Wednesday, and sometimes Monday. It was an evangelical experience while I was a little girl. I never doubted how to connect to the Christian god. I knew how to pray, how to pray "in tongues", and how to reach out for help when you most need it.

However, when it came to me returning to my creator, it was awkward. I felt like I was doing something wrong, like I was not really able to connect spiritually in this way since I have not had a traditional upbringing or background.

I have since began to smudge periodically and I am seeking out new ways and experiences to be more spiritually grounded. I feel like this is even a hard task, as I don't have a family to reach out to for assistance in this manner, nor am I near a reserve where I can meet elders and gain some wisdom, or insight as to how to connect with my creator more strongly. I feel that the next step for me is to participate in a sweat, but I have been waiting for the opportunity to present itself. I still have yet to sweat.

In the beginning of the film Max Cardinal brings up the fact that there are no urban spaces to be able to do ceremonies, that urban aboriginals have to leave the city in order to experience this. It is so true, I have finally found a spot to sweat, but it is over two hours west of Toronto, and it requires me taking an afternoon of off work. how brilliant would it be if there was a place to pray, to connect here in Toronto. So alas I wait and hope that I may be granted some time off to connect with my creator soon.

Tkaronto brings up so many great themes and concepts of urban aboriginal identity, it is a movie that I treasure and hold close to my heart. The script-writing is strong and is strongly reflected by real experiences. I was amazed when Belcourt told me he wrote it in two weeks, as his story line connects to my soul.